Once upon a time I forgot

•October 25, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Once upon a time, I refound myself in God. In fact, it was just under a year ago, about last April. But the thing is, I forgot everything I learned on that day, except for the fact that God is real, and always at my side.

You see, lately I’ve been in such a strange place. I’ve been searching for answers, and couldn’t find them. God was not telling me what it was that was missing. Initially I thought it was that I was holding something back, that I was resisting giving myself entirely to God. And that is part of it.I mean, I did learn that I was being held back in order to be shown things on the level I am on with God. I wanted so badly to go to the next level in my relationship with Him that I didn’t realize I may have been missing things on this current level. God knew, and so He held me back.

The other part is that I forgot everything I learned the day I was saved once again by God. I forgot that I was supposed to be pursuing Him, and ignoring relationships with men. That, I needed to find myself within God, and where my place was with Him before He would place the right man in my life. And today I remembered. I reread my notes from the Women’s Conference in which I refound God, and I noticed everything I’d been getting hints about, but couldn’t quite recall. I forgot, and I was remembering.

I remembered that I needed to pursue God alone, and everything else would fall into place. I remembered that I am supposed to live how I think my future husband would want, but not be different than who I am. I remembered that I needed to find my identity within God, and that once I knew who I was, and where my place was, God would bring the right man to me. I would not have to pursue him, because God would put him there for me.

I forgot everything from that day, until I recalled it today. And it was really what I needed to hear. And it’s something I really needed, and will be, passing along to my friends, to my freshman, to my peers. I will show them everything I learned from that conference, that it is how I am going to be living my life, and that I will have them hold me accountable to my decision to keep pursuing God, and not man.

God has been doing so much in my life lately, blowing my mind at each and every moment that I realize it. I wish I noticed more often, because it’s really so amazing some of the changes He has been placing in my life. He has brought people to my life that have just rocked my world, that have changed me and helped me to become this new, happier, more positive person. I thought I had lost this self. This is how I used to be, before I fell into darkness, before I met Haley. I can even say her name now with only a little anger. I am not the same bitter, angry, emotionally wrecked individual I used to be. I am new, and old at the same time. I am who I was, who I am meant to be, and I still continue to grow in maturity each day. I can feel the changes in my life, I can feel the positivity flowing through my entire being, and I never ever want to go back to that dark place I was in ever again.

I am happy, and I deserve to be happy. I desire to be happy, and I am. I am happy with where my life has been going, and happy where it is headed. I can’t wait to see what else God has in store for me, because no matter what it is, I know it will be His will, for His glory, for His name.

At this point

•October 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop typing, because now it’s out there. Now someone knows my dirty little secret. And it scares the hell out of me to think what they must be thinking. I don’t like who I’ve been, I don’t like what I’ve done, but now it’s in God’s hands, and He will send the right people to assist me.

 

I am not proud of my past transgressions; I hate that I was stupid enough to get into those situations. Where I go from here now is up to God.

 

Now if only I could stop shaking.

A moment in time

•October 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Moments have past us by without even realization that they happened until they are no more. As time passes we see things more clearly, while at intervals we cannot seem to grasp what it is that is happening.

Lately I’ve been meeting people that have been making my life worth living. That isn’t to say I was ever suicidal, but that my life wasn’t worth much of anything. The person I was is not the person I’ve been. I’ve changed, and it’s all for the better. Now I have friends, I have people I can rely on. I am capable of trusting people again. And I’ve found God again. So much has changed. My life is much more positive, much more worth something.

These days I seek God for guidance, and He answers me every time. He may not answer directly, though in some cases He has, and He may not have the answers I want, but He always answers. Lately I’ve heard a name thrown around me, and I was curious about the individual. One night my church group was playing games for the night, and we decided to play Mafia. Interestingly enough, this guy whom I’ve been hearing about was there, and he sat beside me. At first I was just paying attention to the others around me until he introduced himself. His posture and body frame did not give me a good impression of what his voice would sound like.  His voice was very quiet, but in a pleasant, calming sort of way.

Of course, being a ridiculous girl that I am, I started crushing on him hardcore. It doesn’t help that he has gorgeous blue eyes. But lately God’s been showing me that I need to put my trust in Him, and not in my own decisions right now. I think that has been the hardest, especially since I want a relationship so badly, but God has my life in His hands, so I need to learn to trust Him more.

It doesn’t help that I finally got the courage to add him as a friend on Facebook, nor that we had a nice day today of playing Ultimate Frisbee (on the same team, no less!). It was certainly a great day. I was a little disappointed this guy didn’t join the small group of us headed to play Halo: Reach. Still, I was glad for the time I got to spend with him.

With my sister gone in the military, I’ve found myself a lot more homesick this semester. I miss her like no one’s business. I am really happy that her battalion has a Facebook page. I finally managed to find a photo of her! So exciting, especially after not really actually seeing her for so long. Only  a few weeks left until she graduates. I’m so happy!

My life has been turning around, going for what feels like the first time, in a good way. I really can’t wait to see where God takes my life next. Each moment is an absolute blessing.

Sometimes it feels like

•September 28, 2011 • 1 Comment

I am being left behind while everyone else is moving forward, that, no matter how hard I strive to push myself onward, I am still behind.

The world has changed lately, especially for me. Some things have become more clear, while others became more clouded. I search for answers, but hear only silence. God, please answer me as You have in the past. You made things so clear for me that this sudden silence is terrifying.

Today I read the greatest thing ever

•August 18, 2011 • Leave a Comment

“Never regret something that once made you smile.”

You know, I guess I never realized how much I regret things. With my failed friendships, to failed relationships, and situations I wish I could change.  I do have a lot of regrets, and I know I probably shouldn’t, but when I stop and think about things I would’ve done differently, there is so much I would change.

I would’ve changed not listening to my instincts before I lost a friend for the first time. I would’ve never bothered being in that relationship, or listened to this person’s advice.

But isn’t that part of human nature, regret? We are trapped so far in our minds that all we can do sometimes is think of what we would’ve done differently.

I know your mind

•August 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I know your mind like I know my own;

I know your truths, I have heard your lies,

I know your fears, and have heard your cries.

I know your mind like I know my own

because I make sure you are never alone.

8-16-11, created while working

I’m right back to where I was…

•July 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

In that funk again, except right now I”m also in a huge brainstorm. Overall it is a funk, but mainly I am in a brainstorm with this huge story idea I have been working with. Several pages of notes, scenes and information written, and yet…. I can’t seem to just sit down and write out the actual story. I have been content with just writing the information.

And that’s not like me at all… Usually I am set to writing the story until I hit a snag, or am unsure of what to write next, but with this story… There’s so much that could go wrong, that all I can do is write the biographies of the characters, what will happen in the story, set up a rough outline of the story…. I know somewhat where I want to go, but there is so much I know that I’ll need to add. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it.

I won’t go into details of this story, for I have 2 separate ideas for it, one being a written story, the other a video game. Either way, I could work it out. But still, there is so much detail, and me being the OCD freak I am when it comes to details, EVERYTHING has to be absolutely perfect before I even think of submitting to a company. Still, my fingers are twitching to write, and I mean, REALLY WRITE. No typing just yet. Nothing but free hand. That’s how I work best. I can’t wait to see where this goes, though.