For the Hate of… Disappointment

The beginning of “For the Hate of…” I chose disappointment. The reason being, well, I am extremely bitter and angry right now. I worked hard, very hard, on my first ever posted HPFF, and I did not get recognized for it. Now, I was under the impression that there would be 3 winners, one from each CATEGORY. I was NOT under the impression that the 3 winners would be from ANY of the categories. So, am I disappointed? Yes. Am I pissed? Hell yes. Am I going to ever go back to that site? Yeah, but I will not see it the same way again.

You see, the thing with competitions is, when they have categories, you expect a winner from each category. Apparently that was not the case. I had a 50/50 chance of winning if that was the case. Instead, they totally blow past the categories, and it’s just 3 random winners. Today has been such an emotional roller coaster with this website…I honestly don’t know if I can trust them anymore. First, Twitter fails to win me my prize. Then I am told I won another prize because of another story. I am then told all people who won were emailed, yet I check my email and there is nothing. Then they say the winners for the Original Competition are up. Again, disappointment. Neither me, nor my ONLY competition are winners. Instead, 2 from the SAME category are winners.

Each time I check for updates on the site my heart is stabbed a little more deeply with a knife. No, I will not cry just yet. I will wait for my bitterness to finally swallow me. God, I am disappointed, and I am partially blaming you. You get my hopes up then shoot me down. What am I suppose to do, God? You keep doing this to me.

It doesn’t seem to matter what happens. Each good thing that comes in my life turns to disappointment. I had a best friend in elementary school, kindergarten to fifth grade. Then he moves. I get a new best friend, from sixth grade to freshman year in high school. What happens? She betrays me, stabs a knife so hard into my back it won’t come out. “I don’t have friends, I have allies,” she said. I look forward to the only thing that keeps me going in high school: color/winter guard. It is fine sophomore year, my first year. But then comes junior year. I am captain, but I don’t have the same instructor. I have a witch who doesn’t know how we work. I have to continually fight her, tell her how she is in the wrong all while struggling to keep my grades up AND teach the guard how to use weapons because apparently our instructor doesn’t know how. What the hell kind of instructor is that? A big fat fucking joke. Then senior year comes around. I pick my college, and I am co-captain with a new bitch who is a power-hungry fuck who can’t perform well. I am shut to the side while she comes into the spot-light. She becomes more of a captain because our instructor fails to remember I am a captain too, except when she feels like yelling at the guard. Then it’s all my fault.

Now all this. Is there a reason for this, God? Is it because I haven’t been to church in so long? Is it because I didn’t read the Bible enough? What the hell did I do to warrant this? I thought I was leading a pretty good life. You threw Wiccan shit at me, and I turned it away. I’ve lost more friends than I would care to admit, not to death, but to personalities and stupid shit. What, God? Why am I being punished? What have I done wrong? I don’t get it. I really don’t. I’m not getting answers, from You, or them. And by them, I mean the people at that site. I am getting no answers to my questions. Nothing. Only bitterness and silence. Sure, I have some inspiration for my stories, but what the hell am I suppose to do? I don’t even know anymore. How can I trust in someone who won’t answer me, won’t help me with all the shit I’ve had?

Welcome to the start of “For the Hate of…” Yes, I believe this may be the longest, the most emotionally filled one. Maybe not, though. Only time will tell. But, for now, I don’t really give a shit. I am too fucking pissed to give a shit. Snape_Redeemed out.

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~ by helixredeemer on February 26, 2011.

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