Once upon a time in the past…. I had everything, then lost it

Once upon a time, I was a young girl in sixth grade, minding my own business. Okay, maybe that isn’t entirely true. After all, I was really popular in elementary school. I knew every single person in the same grade, several younger and several older students. I knew teachers, and got involved in things. I played sports and tried hard to do well in school. Sixth grade, the beginning of the end of my nice streak.

I promised several posts previous that I would post this story. Well, instead of just reposting the paper I typed up for class, I decided to waste the hours that I wait for my ride home for Spring Break to write this. Once upon a time, I ruled my school. Not in the power sense, but I knew everyone and everything there was to know about the school. I handled my own, beat up kids who messed with my friends, proved to the guys I was just as good as them. Sixth grade, I call it the beginning of the end of my nice streak for one reason: It. I call her “it” because the name “it” suits her much more than her real name, or any of the thousands of nicknames she had come up with over the course of  5 years that I knew her.

Being young and strong, I sought friends who were strong like me. Just the previous year I had lost my best friend to this little thing called moving. I grew up with him and his family, from just before kindergarten to fifth grade. Then he was suddenly gone, and I was alone. So I was on the prowl, so to speak, for people whom I could be close to. Then I met It. I won’t say it’s name, not because I am protecting it, but because every time I think or hear or speak it’s name, I want to break, kill, maim, destroy, or do some sort of harmful thing. So, to keep myself, my roommate’s and my belongings safe, I will call it it.

I met it. I don’t remember the details, after all, this was just over seven to eight years ago that this happened, but just know that we happened to have the same sixth grade home room. We also both were in SAGE reading (basically, English, though they called it reading for some reason in elementary school). SAGE stood for something I can no longer recall, nor do I feel up to looking for it. Just know that it was an advanced English course that you had to test into. We both liked Pokemon, and played in the back of the classroom when the teacher wasn’t paying attention. I apologize to that teacher now, because he taught not only me, but both of my sisters, and not only that, but he married my dad’s best friend from college. Go figure, small world.

So It and I connected really well. It got me into things like Beyblade (which I still like, even though I very much dislike It), and other anime and manga. Several things changed my sixth grade year. First off, I got my first two detentions ever. The first one, I kicked a ukulele into this one heavier set kid, whose name I will not mention. It didn’t help that he happened to be African-American, either. But here is what happened. He, It, and I were in a group for our Music class (it was forced upon us in elementary school, but I was already a part of band, so it didn’t really matter). We were playing ukuleles in class. We had packets in front of us with songs that we were suppose to play. The guy, thinking he was being cool, said, “Hey Snape_Redeemed(thought you were gonna get my name, didn’t you? haha), let’s play ‘Hey Ho, Nobody Home.’ Snape_Redeemed, you be the ‘Ho’ and we’ll be the ‘Nobody home.'” Well, naturally, I got very angry, and kicked the ukulele into his head. Left a nice indent and bled a bit. I calmly went up to the principal’s office and explained what happened; needless to say I was not alone in receiving a detention.

Then, later in the year, It and I got close with another girl, N. I will just call her N. to protect her, and because it kind of suits her. Anyways, the three of us were always hanging out by the large tree on the playground. One day It decided to show us “magic.” Now I put magic in quotes because here’s the thing: It is Wiccan. Since it’s betrayal, I hate all Wiccans, go figure. Not only are they against my religion, but 99.9% of them I have met are all full of shit. Anyways, It showed us “how to form energy.” In reality, we just cupped our hands together and acted like we were makings balls of energy and passing it to each other. This concept is a bit like chakra in the anime/manga Naruto. If you understand their concept, you will sort of understand what I am saying It showed us. Anyways, balls of energy weren’t the only things It showed us. It showed us how to “create Digimon.” Hope you’ve seen the show, otherwise, it is sort of like Pokemon. I digress… Continuing on, It had us “pour energy” into a handful of dirt, then call out the animal that we saw in the design of the dirt as it flowed through the air. I called a wolf, the first thing I saw, N. called something like a dolphin… It, being unoriginal and yelling more what she liked rather than what she saw, called wolf as well. Bitch. Well, then we became the Silver Sun Wolf Pack (or something like that. I don’t remember the exact name, only that it had sun wolf pack in the title). As a “wolf pack,” we had to choose alpha. It and I fought for the position, I won. But don’t let the title of alpha fool you. It was really the alpha. I always bowed to it’s will. Pathetic, really, looking back now.

But then we chose nicknames for ourselves. It became Zani, I became Renic, and N. became something I can’t quite remember. She moved soon later that year, so then it was back to just me and It. But before N. could leave, there was another incident on the playground. This one guy just moved to our school. a scrawny little guy, we didn’t really pay much attention. It should be noted that since becoming It’s friend, I was losing more and more of my friends, becoming more of a loner, or one with few friends. This guy, though, was new, but I ignored him. N., It, and I were talking one day on the swings when this guy came up to N. and shoved her to the ground for no apparent reason. He nearly broke her arm. Without even a second’s hesitation, I chased after this boy. Never mind that he was a boy and was heading to “the forbidden zone,” ie the boy’s bathroom, never mind that he had a head start on me; I gave chase. I caught him, in between the door to the boy’s bathroom. I picked him up (Hey, I said he was scrawny, and I was strong) and I threw him against a chain-link fence and into the gravel. I got three detentions for that. Looks like my innocence was leaving me fast.

Up to this point, I had been playing softball a lot. I mean, I grew up playing softball. I could have gone professional if I wanted to. I was better than my older sister; I was a pitcher young and awesome. My team made it to the finals, and only lost because the league rules said I wasn’t allowed to pitch more than 7 innings. But we did not go to finals. And I stopped playing softball.

Continuing on with the story, it was seventh grade. Here, It and I met L., another dumb bitch whom I never hope to see again, and D. D was really interesting. She had two personalities, one called D. and one called Ace. Ace was a protector of D. but also did some crazy shit to D as well that I won’t go into. Anyways, after meeting D. and L., suddenly It had multiple personalities that were dormant until then. What a fucking surprise, right? I’d like to call bullshit, because I never saw any multiple personalities BEFORE D. Either way, It and L. were suddenly becoming close friends. There was a nice big group of us, all of us who liked anime and such. So, we decided to give ourselves new nicknames; these were based off of the anime, Fruits Basket. It became Kyo, because she liked him as a character, D. became Momiji (her personality fit Momiji rather well), L. became Hitori (this would soon change), I became Hatsuharu (my favorite character, and what would soon change). Another member of our group, whom I am still somewhat friends with, E., she became Yuki.

Well, one morning I came to school late, don’t ask why, I don’t remember. It was middle school, I don’t remember it. Anyways, Lunch came around and suddenly, It called me over. “L. is Hatsuharu now. You’re Akito.” It told me. I was angry. Hatsuharu was my character. What right did this bitch have to take it? But It knew how to sway me, somewhat. Akito, she told me, was God, the ruler of the zodiac (if you’ve read Fruits Basket, you know). I was satisfied.

But then its eighth grade. Here, our nicknames changed again. Somewhere in the year, Kingdom Hearts II came out. So our nicknames changed to become like the Organization XIII. It said that no one would be Xemnas because he is the leader, and we didn’t have one. I don’t kid myself: It always has been our leader, even if she didn’t take the claim on the title. It became Axel, because she loved fire and was a pyro (so was I, but apparently that didn’t matter). I became Zexion, L. became Roxas (a skinny guy for a fat bitch, go figure), this new girl, A., became Demyx, and D had moved.

Now, our nicknames went unchanged until freshman year in high school. This is where everything went out of control. I met this girl on my bus the first day, my new across the street neighbor. B., her name was, and I naturally introduced her to It, once I realized B. liked anime. B. became our Larxene. Fine. I will say it. One of my biggest regrets in life is ever introducing B. to It. Because, B. was a Christian girl (I will admit, she never seemed like it to begin with but whatever). B. was warped by It, though, just as I was. She fell into darkness, just like me.

Anyways, the first few months of school seemed fine enough. Then It started going to this anime club at the local Bookman’s. Well, I have to admit, I love Bookman’s, but still, I hate that It was the one that showed it to me. Anyways, It met C. C. and this other guy who would one day marry It. I will called that guy Tweed, because that was what everyone in our Organization knew him as. Anyways, It decided to create a website for our organization. It was once known as http://www.freewebs.com/arizonasorganizationxiii but has since disappeared from the online world. Anyways, each member had their nickname and a little bio about them on the site. Well, I was over at B.’s house one day, and suddenly I noticed something was different. My nickname had changed. I was no longer Zexion. I had been called Zexion every day for the past year and a half, so the change was REALLY startling to me. I demanded an explanation from Axel on the site’s chat box at the bottom. She said she had made the change to suit this guy in the anime club, C., who would take over as Zexion. Need I say anything? I was utterly livid. We had plans to go to this anime convention near the house, and I was really excited to go to my first con ( I didn’t, at least, until two years later). But, I decided I would confront It at school on Monday. Monday rolled around, and It couldn’t understand why I was so upset. Well, here’s the thing, It: I have had that nickname for over a year and a half; all my close friends called me Zexion, and then, to suddenly have it change, just so some guy that no one really knew (I met him a few times, and I think B. dated him for a little bit) take it over? No, that was the final stray for me.

It wasn’t until the bus ride home that I exploded. “How the hell can you breathe with all the shit that spews out of your mouth?” I screamed at her. I know someone was holding me back, because I was out to kill, and my bus driver tried to hurry to my stop first so I wouldn’t cause a fight. It made some sort of offhanded comment that really irked me. “I thought we were suppose to be friends!” I screamed as I was shoved off the bus by B., who had been holding me back. And wouldn’t you know it, It rolled down her window. Do you know  what It said? Why I have become such a bitter person, who can’t seem to trust anyone around her, including family? Because of the seven words that came out of her mouth and destroyed the memories of friendship I had for the past few years.

“I don’t have friends, I have allies.”

We had, in the past, talked of allies. To It, allies were people who were used until they had nothing left to offer. And that’s what I was to it. I was expendable. I had lost 95% of my friends defending It while we were in elementary school. It had the nerve to say that to me. I have since slowly tried to regain some of those friends back, but not a lot has worked out. I now do not trust people. I always expect them to fail me in some way. I am VERY cautious when it comes to meeting new people, because, even if we become a little closer that some friends, I always hold it against them that they will betray me some small way and I won’t be able to forgive them.

So, there’s my story, my huge, long narrative that explains why I am such a bitter, angry individual who cannot seem to trust anyone in reality. Why I choose to live most of my life in my fantasy land, in my imagination, because I’ve been hurt in the real world. I can’t handle reality often. You can judge me for it, but I don’t care. I am who I am. I am who It has made me. Not God, because I know he has been trying to help me out of the darkness I have fallen into, but it is a continual struggle.

This has been the first, and longest ever by me, for “Once upon a time in the past…” I rather enjoy this new focus and hope that it will inspire me to write more on this blog. Anyone who actually reads this can judge me, but I don’t care. I have been hurt, I have lost a friendship, an alliance, but I am working to get better. You people have never seen me at my worst. I am so much better now than I have ever been. I doubt you will be able to miss the anger that I put into my writing above, after all, there are so many sarcastic and cynical comments… But, just know this: Once upon a time, I was a very nice and kind person. I got changed by a wicked witch (Wiccan=witchcraft after all), and now I am trying to once more become the, if not same, somewhat better person I once was. I have improved. You don’t know me, so you can’t judge that exactly, but I have. I know I have. And God knows I have. That’s all the matters to me.

Until next I write, Snape_Redeemed out.


~ by HelixRook on March 11, 2011.

14 Responses to “Once upon a time in the past…. I had everything, then lost it”

  1. this was amazing i have so much to say but its 5 so im so tired but holy fuck this just blew my mind! get back to me soon plz we need to talk about this story!!!!

  2. this was very fun to read it was like your life as an adventure. Also i remeber kingdom hearts those games were prety dope theres a new one coming soon!

    • Yeah, one just came out for the DS, and another one is soon to come out for the 3DS. I wouldn’t call my life an adventure, at least, not those particular events.

  3. just how you were talking about the forbiden zone and you dont have friends you have allies that was prety slick. whats the one for 3ds? cuz i know chain of memories took place before second but what was birth by sleep about?

    • Birth by Sleep was pre-KH1, which basically explained a ton of stuff, like the creation of the Castle Oblivion, how Sora, Riku and Kairi became keyblade wielders, and had characters that were missing from other Final Fantasy games, and Disney. It was really good, but really quick, despite having 3 different story-lines.

  4. oh what the hell i wish i played that, i dont have time to now 😦 why did cloud have a wing in kingdom hearts? Final Fantasy 7 and 9 best games ever!!!

  5. haha lance bass did his voice. he was so hard to beat at the coloseum

  6. wo what is kingdom hearts 358/2days i just saw somthin about it

  7. haha i kinda like roxas and axel they are in there little cult but they are the only ones who still havnt lost it completly.

    • I suppose so. I mean, I do and don’t like Axel for a variety of reasons; one dislike would be because of that dumb witch mentioned in the story above, and another is that he seemed to have a heart, and feelings, when Nobodies were not suppose to. Roxas…. I don’t know. He just always got on my nerves.

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