Once upon a time in the past… I wrote words

And still do, so it’s not quite in the past. Right now, I am planning to write this blog for the next several minutes. I refuse to post it until it is midnight so that it goes on tomorrow’s date instead of the actual date.

So, I wrote earlier, which seems to be a hit of some kind. Upon last reflection, I had 58 hits on that one post, the most I’ve ever had. Now, in that post I had no tags, so I’m not exactly sure how people got a hold of that link to read it. Still, I am inspired by those readers, so I thanks them here.

Right now, as I blast the snot out of my ears listening to Mumford and Sons’ “White Blank Page” I see a new vision. In this vision, I see explosions, and hear screams. As to where this vision came from, I am not entirely certain. But I will continue to describe the scene. There I am, being thrown back. I land on the ground, yet my head manages to fall on something soft. I black out. When I come to, my body is convulsing. I look up to the sky to see brilliant, bright stars and smoke filtering into my vision. Someone nearby coughs and my head shifts as that same someone moves. I look to my right and see Him. I’m not sure who He is, but He is familiar to me, at least, the vision me. He coughs again, and blood is slowly falling out of His mouth. I feel His blood flowing down my neck and I turn more, and see He is cut. It’s an artery, though I’m not sure how I know it. He bleeds, dying, right before my eyes. He lifts His bloody hand, His right hand, and gently strokes my cheek. I give Him a trembling smile, yet I start to cry. I pull myself to His chest, and clutch Him close to me. We are both going to die here, that much the vision tells me. As I continue to cry into His chest, He gently strokes my hair, more explosions rock the area. I know, somehow, somewhere, more of my friends, of our friends are dying, or are already dead. But I cry into His chest, thankful that I don’t have to die alone.

I’m not sure where that vision came from. Maybe it was an inspiration from a Mumford and Sons song. I mean, in my head, it goes perfectly, for the most part, with “White Blank Page.” And every time I hear the song, I think of the vision. I can’t get through the song without seeing the vision. I can’t hear the words to the song because I’m seeing the vision. I think I’ve only ever heard that song in its entirety once, and since then I cannot get through it without being trapped by the vision.

A new song plays, and I see a new vision. I am walking along a brick wall, higher than the people around me. It’s raining, but I don’t mind the rain. I am laughing and running along the wall, doing cartwheels and such as I go along the path. While people slip and slide along the ground, I feel nothing but solidity beneath my feet. I am not affected by the water. I start to spin on the wall, my face lifted up to the heavens, taking the droplets onto my face, feeling exuberance.  There is nothing wrong in the world today, I think.

And the vision changes again. There is still rain, but I stand there, alone in the dark. Now I feel the deep chill slowly start to sink in. I’ve been crying, and I don’t know why. I cry to the sky, but I can’t understand. I want to run again, yet I don’t know where to go. I feel isolated, as if someone placed me in a cage and expected me to exist in that cold. I run, trying to find a way out. But I see nothing. The rain blocks all other objects from view, and I am alone.

Once again the vision changes. I am in Mexico. I know this because I recognize the place this time. I know almost exactly where I am at. There are rocks everywhere, and the tide is still far out. But I know it is slowly creeping in. I’ve seen it do so before. I stand on one of the many rocks out there, and wait as the tide comes creeping closer. I close my eyes and breathe in the salty air. I take in the sounds of the water on the rocks, the rushing cadence that they make together. I hear the cry of the gulls high overhead, calling out to one another in a forbidden conversation that I am barred from. I sigh, disappointed at something, as the water comes closer. It has surrounded my rock, and covered all the rocks around mine. I stood on the high rock, looking back at the shore, too far to get to without knowing where the now buried rocks are. My gaze turns back out to the ocean, to the great beyond, and I look. I am waiting for something, but I know not what it is. I do not move, for fear of losing my stance and falling into the rocks. I wait, and wait. And nothing comes. I am disappointed. As a giant wave appears from nowhere, the vision changes once more.

I am walking along, whether in anger or peace, I don’t know. It could easily be one or the other, or something else entirely. But I walk on, as if I have a set destination in mind. I don’t know where it is though. And as I walk along, a bright light shines down upon me, like  a spotlight from heaven. I stop walking and look up. I start to cry, though I can’t understand it. “Okay,” I say to the light. I close my eyes and am gone.

How many visions am I going to see? Even I don’t have an answer to that. They are random and strange. I am only given a little bit of information as I see it, and I am forced to fill in the blanks myself. I see now a volcano. I am at the edge looking down into the flowing lava. I am intrigued, and want to go down, but something, or someone holds me back. I look around but no one is there. Making a decision, I act on impulse. I take a running leap and dive head first into the fire.

And suddenly I am falling, and my arms flail and reach out. They grab hold of someone. I can’t see his face, because my eyes are full of tears. But I cry out to him. I beg him to pull me back. He merely stares on quietly, expectantly. He is waiting for something. I scream at him to help me as I realize my grip is slipping. I am not holding on to him, but onto a root, and it was coming out of its foundation. I cry out again, and he speaks. He talks of a simple matter of faith, asking me to ask help from God. So I beg to God to help me. The guy tells me to listen to what God tells me. All I can hear is a  voice in my head telling me to let go. But I am too afraid. I can’t let go. The guy tells me to listen again. Finally, I give in to the voice, and I let go.

Then I find myself in a new place, a dark room. It is a lecture hall, but the lights are dimmed, and it is quiet. No one is in here, and I am alone. I know it to be a lecture hall because I recognize it from my school days. I am confused and startled, since I hated that school more than I care to admit. But I know I have to be here. I am meeting someone here. I don’t know who, and I don’t know why, but I know its important.

Then I hear a clang, and suddenly I am running across the football field. I run towards the clanging. It is the flag pole, which was clanging in the wind, rhythmic-like. Almost like one of those harbor bells. I run to it as if I am running from my past again. I run to the pole and clutch to it like it would save me from a terrible fate. I hear someone call my name as if from some great distance. I look back and the world spins. I don’t know where I am, or what is going on. I feel myself falling again, except this time I am caught by the ground. I look up into the sky and the stars begin to blur and twirl. I see a thousand images in those stars as I lay there. In the distance, someone is still shouting my name. Suddenly someone grabs me and shakes me, as if that would break me from my stupor. But I don’t break out. I keep seeing the visions in the stars. My head keeps flailing, and I see new things. I have an out of body experience, and I see myself lying there, helpless. A person is clutching me, crying over my body as if I am dead. But I’m not. I’m just a little out of it. I turn to the left and see a brilliant white light and head towards it.

Suddenly I am seeing the sunset on a beautiful night in Mexico. I see the reflection of the sun almost perfectly on the ocean’s surface. I can’t help but pull out my camera and snap a picture. This is God at His finest, I think, looking back at the picture. This is God, wanting to show me the beauty of the world.

Then the visions fade, and I find myself sitting in a dorm room, typing away at my computer. I’m not sure when exactly I was going for, but the songs gave me visions, and I went with them. I don’t know what the visions mean. They come from my emotions, because I can feel the tie of each scene as I replay them in my mind, but I don’t know what they really mean. Am I truly going crazy? The first recollection of these visions was back about three to four years ago. They continue to show up and haunt me. What do they mean? Why do they come to me? I’m not sure, but I do know that I am afraid to find out. They give me inspiration, yet scare me. What do I do with this gift? Do I turn myself in as a crazy person? Am I having an extended mental break down? I guess that last is rather likely. I never really got over my lost friendship. I mean, when I think back, it was almost as if someone had died, and I grew angry to cover it. My grief for a lost friendship turned into an anger that I can’t seem to satisfy. Are these visions warning me of possible futures? Some don’t seem too bad, but others just plain scare me. What am I suppose to do with this…curse? Gift? Whatever it is, what should I do with it?

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~ by helixredeemer on March 25, 2011.

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