Once upon a time… God made me cry, in a good way

Today has been a very emotional, very touching day. I learned a lot about my friends, and I revealed a lot about myself. The “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!” Women’s Conference today with XA has totally enlightened and brightened my day.

For one thing, I was challenged to worship God as if He were right before me. Not only did I do that, but I did it both times they challenged us, at the beginning and at the end. When they asked for someone to come up and talk about what they were struggling with, I volunteered and told them exactly what I struggle with. I am not ashamed of it, as Satan would have me believe. I struggle with sexual desires and my anger. See? I even told the world just now. I am not ashamed to admit it, because the release I felt then and am still feeling now is so amazing, words can barely scratch the surface of explaining it. I am so astounded at the information I learned today, the good, the bad and the ugly. But I judge not my sisters by what they’ve done in the dark. I judge them not by the color of their skin, nor the choices they’ve made in their lives. I judge them by how they treat me, and that is nothing short of fantastic.

Because of this conference, I am now praying for someone whom I still haven’t met officially. I know her name is Erin, and that she struggles greatly with her own self-worth and self-image. I held her as she started crying today while everyone else was working on writing things about themselves. I know that she has a great passion in her if she can cry that much about hating herself. God will show her the light.

God also enlightened me greatly today, too. He gave me the courage to stand up and tell that room full of people what I was struggling and what I was struggling with. He accepted me for my mistakes, and He held me as I cried worshiping Him. He showed me things for my story, and helped me develop the ideas to get this story moving forward. He brought me to the right people, and is setting me on the right path. I haven’t felt this good since I don’t even know when. I was actually walking around campus smiling. I felt like crying with happiness because I felt such a release as I’ve never felt before.

I don’t know about you, but for me, if every day could feel like today, I could be more than content. I don’t need a man in my life. I don’t need a relationship with someone just to feel involved. I am involved with God, and to Him, all that matters is that I am faithful to Him. I intend to be. I won’t fall into darkness as far as I did. If I stumble, God will help me back up. I won’t go as far as I did when I lost my friendship and my ability to completely trust people. God is bringing that faith and trust back, slowly. While I do trip in the darkness, even now, God is patient, and He is offering out His hand for me to take, which I do every time now.

I don’t ever want to fall back into that darkness. There was nothing for me there that I wanted. Sure, desires that I would love to suppress were there, but I won’t go back. I feel empowered, and I won’t go down there again. I am in God’s light now, and I don’t ever want to leave it. This feeling is too fantastic to get rid of. I hope it blesses me for a long, long time.

Well, until next I write, Snape_Redeemed, who’s feeling greater than ever, out.

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~ by helixredeemer on April 10, 2011.

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