As each moment passes….

Lately I’ve been in a huge funk. One that’s probably not the best one to be in. I’ve been slowly changing from my old, normal personality, into someone a bit different than I’m used to.

Well, kind of. You see, I’ve been sitting here bored at home (because it isn’t my birthday yet, so I have ZERO Xbox 360 games to play) and I can’t start my job for two more weeks (or rather, re-“training”) and quite frankly, I’m almost….depressed.

I find myself thinking that I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be home, the one place that has been a rock solid constant for 99.999% of my life. But I’m frustrated because, well, everything is changing. Okay, maybe not a humongous change that is blatantly obvious, but subtle changes that I’ve picked up on. See, here’s the thing. I’m not a happy-go-lucky person. I haven’t been that type of person since I was a child. But I’m also no longer the constant kill-kill-die person I have been since 6th grade.

And I’m not the only one who has been changing. Chelsey is running away from her constant bickering with everyone in the house by joining the Army. Ashley keeps moving in and out of the house, being her same, “all about me” person (albeit a bit more bitchy). Mom has been stressing and bitching more and more because she’s constantly stressed out, worrying about her weight (she’s almost skinnier than I am now) and finances. But she shouldn’t be worrying about her weight. She thinks she’s fat, but she’s really not. She’s becoming more and more obsessed with her self-image. Dad…he’s very complicated. I know he’s been stressing out about whether he’ll get this promotion or not, and if he doesn’t he’s retiring (which is NOT AT ALL a good idea), but the fact remains that something happened since I went to school, or even just before that, that has caused this really weird change in him.

He and Chelsey didn’t speak for about 2 months a while back because she was in a hurry while hanging out with friends and didn’t buy him any food while she was out. What I was told initially about the fight was that it was over her changing the tv channel on him so she and her friends could watch a movie, but then I learned it was about food. He waited those two months for her to apologize to him (which she didn’t, and shouldn’t have had to) then I guess they somewhat made it up.

What I think is worse is when I came home from college. I hadn’t been home in months, I hadn’t seen any of my family and rarely talked about anything with them (except about the trip just before finals). So i come home the weekend just before school is our for the family trip we were going on (to Mexico, Mother’s Day weekend). I come home and walk in the door. Dad is on the couch, watching tv while Ashley and I are dragging in half my dorm room that I don’t need within the weekend. I have to say hi to him first before he asks “what’s up?” then turns his attention back to the tv.

Then I spent the next few hours packing away my things, and sorting through all my stuff for things to get rid of (something Dad has been hounding me about for years). So he comes in my room while I throw items out into the hall and asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m getting rid of stuff. Not really in a mood to explain it to him (it was because I was getting rid of excessive items, things that were dark and put bad thoughts in my head, etc) I just told him I felt like it. He didn’t like that, so he kept badgering me, and blocked my way as I was putting things from my room into the hallway. I asked him to move, and he refused. I gently (like, legitimately gently) pushed him and he went flying back all dramatically (like he was messing around). Annoyed, but concerned, I grabbed him and pulled him towards me and he fell in the complete opposite direction in which I pulled him. I kept asking him if he was okay before he stormed off mad. So I went back in my room and cried because, quite frankly, I know it wasn’t my fault that he fell, since I pulled him one direction and he fell in the exact opposite.

So I sat in my room and cried a little, then went out into the living room to get the rest of my things. Dad was sitting on the couch, pissed off, and watching tv. I asked if he was okay again, and he in one of those accusing tones that he was great (the ones where he’s not outright blaming me, but you can hear it in his voice). So I told him “Don’t you dare blame me for what just happened. I tried to help you and you fell in the complete opposite direction.” Then I went on to say how this was a shitty homecoming after not seeing anyone in months and went into my room and cried even more. Chelsey was nice and gave me some wine that I had asked for earlier to have (which she at the time refused). Then Mom came in and asked what was going on. So I told her, and she and Dad fought all night.

The next morning we were headed to Mexico. When I woke up, Mom told me I better have my headphones. I was already expecting fighting, so I was prepared, but instead, Dad surprised both of us. He completely ignored us all weekend, for the most part. You see, he gave me $30 to spend, so, thinking I would save some money for an anime convention coming up (or whatever) I decided to spend only $10 and save up $20. Every little thing I asked for, Dad asked where my money was. When I told him I only planned on spending $10, he demanded the money back. Then he told me that any left over money from the weekend would go back to him.

So, I really don’t know what is up with my family. Or myself. All I know is that I feel like I am in a constant cage, that I am suffering sitting here, day in and day out. I’ve got nothing to show for my life. I’ve got nothing to motivate me, or release me from the constant hell that is my reality. I need to escape, but to where or how with no money and shit schooling, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I keep praying, hoping God will enlighten me, because right now, I’ve got little to live for. I won’t kill myself. I’m too afraid to die to do that. But I’ve got nothing worth while in my life, nothing exciting, nothing decent.

I’m in a cage of my own design and I don’t know how to escape. I am in a constant prison, and I don’t know how to break free. The only relief from my constant hell are the fantasies I can play out in my head, and write out onto paper if they are worth anything. How do I get out of this hell? What do I do now?

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~ by helixredeemer on June 13, 2011.

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