Once upon a time I forgot

Once upon a time, I refound myself in God. In fact, it was just under a year ago, about last April. But the thing is, I forgot everything I learned on that day, except for the fact that God is real, and always at my side.

You see, lately I’ve been in such a strange place. I’ve been searching for answers, and couldn’t find them. God was not telling me what it was that was missing. Initially I thought it was that I was holding something back, that I was resisting giving myself entirely to God. And that is part of it.I mean, I did learn that I was being held back in order to be shown things on the level I am on with God. I wanted so badly to go to the next level in my relationship with Him that I didn’t realize I may have been missing things on this current level. God knew, and so He held me back.

The other part is that I forgot everything I learned the day I was saved once again by God. I forgot that I was supposed to be pursuing Him, and ignoring relationships with men. That, I needed to find myself within God, and where my place was with Him before He would place the right man in my life. And today I remembered. I reread my notes from the Women’s Conference in which I refound God, and I noticed everything I’d been getting hints about, but couldn’t quite recall. I forgot, and I was remembering.

I remembered that I needed to pursue God alone, and everything else would fall into place. I remembered that I am supposed to live how I think my future husband would want, but not be different than who I am. I remembered that I needed to find my identity within God, and that once I knew who I was, and where my place was, God would bring the right man to me. I would not have to pursue him, because God would put him there for me.

I forgot everything from that day, until I recalled it today. And it was really what I needed to hear. And it’s something I really needed, and will be, passing along to my friends, to my freshman, to my peers. I will show them everything I learned from that conference, that it is how I am going to be living my life, and that I will have them hold me accountable to my decision to keep pursuing God, and not man.

God has been doing so much in my life lately, blowing my mind at each and every moment that I realize it. I wish I noticed more often, because it’s really so amazing some of the changes He has been placing in my life. He has brought people to my life that have just rocked my world, that have changed me and helped me to become this new, happier, more positive person. I thought I had lost this self. This is how I used to be, before I fell into darkness, before I met Haley. I can even say her name now with only a little anger. I am not the same bitter, angry, emotionally wrecked individual I used to be. I am new, and old at the same time. I am who I was, who I am meant to be, and I still continue to grow in maturity each day. I can feel the changes in my life, I can feel the positivity flowing through my entire being, and I never ever want to go back to that dark place I was in ever again.

I am happy, and I deserve to be happy. I desire to be happy, and I am. I am happy with where my life has been going, and happy where it is headed. I can’t wait to see what else God has in store for me, because no matter what it is, I know it will be His will, for His glory, for His name.

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~ by helixredeemer on October 25, 2011.

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