I know your mind

•August 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I know your mind like I know my own;

I know your truths, I have heard your lies,

I know your fears, and have heard your cries.

I know your mind like I know my own

because I make sure you are never alone.

8-16-11, created while working

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I’m right back to where I was…

•July 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

In that funk again, except right now I”m also in a huge brainstorm. Overall it is a funk, but mainly I am in a brainstorm with this huge story idea I have been working with. Several pages of notes, scenes and information written, and yet…. I can’t seem to just sit down and write out the actual story. I have been content with just writing the information.

And that’s not like me at all… Usually I am set to writing the story until I hit a snag, or am unsure of what to write next, but with this story… There’s so much that could go wrong, that all I can do is write the biographies of the characters, what will happen in the story, set up a rough outline of the story…. I know somewhat where I want to go, but there is so much I know that I’ll need to add. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it.

I won’t go into details of this story, for I have 2 separate ideas for it, one being a written story, the other a video game. Either way, I could work it out. But still, there is so much detail, and me being the OCD freak I am when it comes to details, EVERYTHING has to be absolutely perfect before I even think of submitting to a company. Still, my fingers are twitching to write, and I mean, REALLY WRITE. No typing just yet. Nothing but free hand. That’s how I work best. I can’t wait to see where this goes, though.

As each moment passes….

•June 13, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Lately I’ve been in a huge funk. One that’s probably not the best one to be in. I’ve been slowly changing from my old, normal personality, into someone a bit different than I’m used to.

Well, kind of. You see, I’ve been sitting here bored at home (because it isn’t my birthday yet, so I have ZERO Xbox 360 games to play) and I can’t start my job for two more weeks (or rather, re-“training”) and quite frankly, I’m almost….depressed.

I find myself thinking that I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be home, the one place that has been a rock solid constant for 99.999% of my life. But I’m frustrated because, well, everything is changing. Okay, maybe not a humongous change that is blatantly obvious, but subtle changes that I’ve picked up on. See, here’s the thing. I’m not a happy-go-lucky person. I haven’t been that type of person since I was a child. But I’m also no longer the constant kill-kill-die person I have been since 6th grade.

And I’m not the only one who has been changing. Chelsey is running away from her constant bickering with everyone in the house by joining the Army. Ashley keeps moving in and out of the house, being her same, “all about me” person (albeit a bit more bitchy). Mom has been stressing and bitching more and more because she’s constantly stressed out, worrying about her weight (she’s almost skinnier than I am now) and finances. But she shouldn’t be worrying about her weight. She thinks she’s fat, but she’s really not. She’s becoming more and more obsessed with her self-image. Dad…he’s very complicated. I know he’s been stressing out about whether he’ll get this promotion or not, and if he doesn’t he’s retiring (which is NOT AT ALL a good idea), but the fact remains that something happened since I went to school, or even just before that, that has caused this really weird change in him.

He and Chelsey didn’t speak for about 2 months a while back because she was in a hurry while hanging out with friends and didn’t buy him any food while she was out. What I was told initially about the fight was that it was over her changing the tv channel on him so she and her friends could watch a movie, but then I learned it was about food. He waited those two months for her to apologize to him (which she didn’t, and shouldn’t have had to) then I guess they somewhat made it up.

What I think is worse is when I came home from college. I hadn’t been home in months, I hadn’t seen any of my family and rarely talked about anything with them (except about the trip just before finals). So i come home the weekend just before school is our for the family trip we were going on (to Mexico, Mother’s Day weekend). I come home and walk in the door. Dad is on the couch, watching tv while Ashley and I are dragging in half my dorm room that I don’t need within the weekend. I have to say hi to him first before he asks “what’s up?” then turns his attention back to the tv.

Then I spent the next few hours packing away my things, and sorting through all my stuff for things to get rid of (something Dad has been hounding me about for years). So he comes in my room while I throw items out into the hall and asks what I’m doing. I tell him I’m getting rid of stuff. Not really in a mood to explain it to him (it was because I was getting rid of excessive items, things that were dark and put bad thoughts in my head, etc) I just told him I felt like it. He didn’t like that, so he kept badgering me, and blocked my way as I was putting things from my room into the hallway. I asked him to move, and he refused. I gently (like, legitimately gently) pushed him and he went flying back all dramatically (like he was messing around). Annoyed, but concerned, I grabbed him and pulled him towards me and he fell in the complete opposite direction in which I pulled him. I kept asking him if he was okay before he stormed off mad. So I went back in my room and cried because, quite frankly, I know it wasn’t my fault that he fell, since I pulled him one direction and he fell in the exact opposite.

So I sat in my room and cried a little, then went out into the living room to get the rest of my things. Dad was sitting on the couch, pissed off, and watching tv. I asked if he was okay again, and he in one of those accusing tones that he was great (the ones where he’s not outright blaming me, but you can hear it in his voice). So I told him “Don’t you dare blame me for what just happened. I tried to help you and you fell in the complete opposite direction.” Then I went on to say how this was a shitty homecoming after not seeing anyone in months and went into my room and cried even more. Chelsey was nice and gave me some wine that I had asked for earlier to have (which she at the time refused). Then Mom came in and asked what was going on. So I told her, and she and Dad fought all night.

The next morning we were headed to Mexico. When I woke up, Mom told me I better have my headphones. I was already expecting fighting, so I was prepared, but instead, Dad surprised both of us. He completely ignored us all weekend, for the most part. You see, he gave me $30 to spend, so, thinking I would save some money for an anime convention coming up (or whatever) I decided to spend only $10 and save up $20. Every little thing I asked for, Dad asked where my money was. When I told him I only planned on spending $10, he demanded the money back. Then he told me that any left over money from the weekend would go back to him.

So, I really don’t know what is up with my family. Or myself. All I know is that I feel like I am in a constant cage, that I am suffering sitting here, day in and day out. I’ve got nothing to show for my life. I’ve got nothing to motivate me, or release me from the constant hell that is my reality. I need to escape, but to where or how with no money and shit schooling, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I keep praying, hoping God will enlighten me, because right now, I’ve got little to live for. I won’t kill myself. I’m too afraid to die to do that. But I’ve got nothing worth while in my life, nothing exciting, nothing decent.

I’m in a cage of my own design and I don’t know how to escape. I am in a constant prison, and I don’t know how to break free. The only relief from my constant hell are the fantasies I can play out in my head, and write out onto paper if they are worth anything. How do I get out of this hell? What do I do now?

Mentioning it again I suppose….

•June 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

But the time is drawing nearer to when I may or may not get my tattoo or the Kindle. To me, the Kindle mig-ht not be worth it because, well, it’s technology and may easily become obsolete in the very near future. That aside, I absolutely love holding a book in my hand. Scrolling through a screen does not feel the same, even though it is rather cool.

Anyways, I have about four different focuses of tattoos that I’m looking at getting. My issue is that I want them all, but I’m not paying for them (since it’s my birthday present) and if I combined them, they would look a little odd. Still, There are four of them that are really catching my interest.

Originally I was just going to go with the Zibu angelic symbol meaning “Choose Life,” or rather, choose a life that you want and that is positive. I also really want a wolf. Wolves for me are the ultimate amazing creatures. I love them so much. But they aren’t just my all-time favorite animal, they have specific meaning for me. I want a wolf so that I don’t forget the hardship that I went through to realize that the wolf was my favorite animal. There’s a whole story behind that (involving the girl I call It), and I think it’s very important that I represent the struggle I went through. The next one I had in mind was a Phoenix. Not only to represent my home town (not that I like it that much) but also because it represents where I want to go as well, and what I’ve dealt with. As they say, a Phoenix can represent joy, love and rage, all of which I wish to attain and/or struggle with.

The last one I am wanting to get is …very strange to describe. It involves Red vs. Blue, the amazing series created by the guys at Rooster Teeth. It should be pictured above, and represents Seasons 6-8 or RvB (mostly Reconstruction though). I want to represent something Red vs. Blue because lately RvB is the only that has kept me going. It has inspired me more so than anything else these last few weeks as I become reintroduced to my family’s daily lives for a few months. It represents my love for the stupidly funny and random things that can start a mini-cult of followers. It could also represent, in a sense, my love of video games, since it is a web series based off the Halo games and technology.

To me, tattoos should have specific meaning, not, as my lovely sister put it, “in spite of” someone, or just so your friend can practice. All four of the aforementioned tattoos represent specific meanings for me. Now there’s only one issue: which one do I do first?

As each day comes to a close…

•June 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I don’t feel accomplished. Each day keeps passing me by and I can’t seem to figure out what I am supposed to do. I have little to no motivation or inspiration to write, to do what I am most passionate about.

I have my continuation of fantasies playing out in my head, scenarios that will likely never actually happen. There’s no inspiration, no excitement, no passion right now. I feel almost nothing original coming to me. I feel like taking others’ ideas, and developing them further, not using my own ideas and going with them. It’s nothing short of frustrating, and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. My days are filled with nothing but spending time at my computer and watching tv and movies. There’s nothing around here that keeps me going, nothing that just grabs hold of me and pulls me into an exciting place that I want to be at. Therein lies the issues with the fantasies. Because they keep taking more and more control as reality becomes more and more hard to handle.

I need to find myself, to find where I want to be. I thought I knew, that I had some idea, but as each moment passes, I am forced to question whether or not that is where I want to be. Where I want to be is somewhere not in this constant jail. I feel trapped here, isolated. There doesn’t seem to be anything worth while around here. I need to be somewhere new, somewhere different from my comfort zone. I can’t be here anymore. What the hell am I supposed to do?

 

As each day comes to a close, I am left with the question of whether or not it’s all worth it… Some days it is and others it’s not. But then I just happen to pop in a certain DVD, and the lovely sounds of Rooster Teeth’s Red vs. Blue series makes my day at least a little bit brighter. Who knows, maybe I’m just in a funk. Maybe I’m needing something exciting to come my way. Who knows? Maybe I just need to get the hell out of Arizona. Lord knows this place is full of shit.

Why I Write

•June 2, 2011 • 1 Comment

I love writing because it allows me to get out of my own head for a while. It allows me to delve into someone else’s life, someone else’s problems. It allows me to escape reality and be where I want to be.

My reality isn’t always good. I don’t like being where I am because there is too much fighting, too much chaos, too much negativity. It truly is a wonder why everyone is surprised I am a negative person. I’ve been around it all my life, it’s all I know. I am trying to change, and I have, quite a bit. But no one seems to really register that fact. I have been doing a great job in becoming more positive, more outgoing, more involved. But no one sees that. All they seem to see are the mistakes, the negativity, the errors.

So why wouldn’t I want to be somewhere else? Somewhere I am constantly in control of. Sure, the people and situations aren’t exactly real, but they allow me to get through reality a hell of a lot better.

Life has been quiet

•May 12, 2011 • 1 Comment

And I find myself capable of writing now that finals are all over and done with. While I am fairly certain I just managed to fail a class for the first time in my life, I am fairly confident that all my other classes are good to go. I am writing like I haven’t written in a good long while, and I’ve found a focus, not for my blog, but for a new story, or rather, an autobiography of sorts.

Going through all my craziness with my oh so lovely friend “It,” I am actually really excited about where this is going. I only just started it, and there will be a lot that I’ll have to cover and skirt over details, but I am just excited to be writing again.

Life hasn’t been to kind to me. I’ve had two mental breakdowns in the last two weeks, one at school and one at home after an oh so lovely fight with my father just before we went on a stressful vacation (yes, it should have been relaxing, but everyone was being so fake, it was hard to relax).

I’ve never really had a mental breakdown like that before. Just out of the blue, suddenly my parents were asking if I should just quit college (even though finals were just two weeks away). NEVER has that happened to me before. Still, it was an experience and now I am a little more prepared.

I’ve been finding a TON of great music lately. Most of it is Christian music, and I’ve really been able to appreciate and enjoy it. It’s been really inspiring me with my Christian story. I’ve got three to six stories that I’m working on lately. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to really work on any of them though, so now that I’ve got a chance, I am taking the opportunity to really punch through them.

I’m still really disappointed with HPFF right now, though. I never received a response for why I was kicked off suddenly, and no one has been kind enough to let me know. However I am content with what I’ve got. My stories were all backed up and what not, so no worries with that. Still, I am really angry that I never received a response for why that had happened, and no one has been willing to assist me with it; the higher ups I used to follow blocked me from following them (really mature, right?), and I still am left wondering what I did wrong.

I’ve been introduced to several videos, super funny and awesome. First off, hats off to Disney for “Tangled!” I’m not gonna lie, that movie really got me. I didn’t like Princess and the Frog, but Tangled hit me just right! Some other films that have caught my attention are Broken Path, starring Johnny Yong Bosch and Dan Southworth (I love watching him in movies!). “Entry Level,” with D.B. Sweeney was super entertaining too (Dan Southworth was in that too, which is how it came into my line of sight). Let’s see, what else have I recently seen….Hanna, which was good but really short and little to the plot, the (original) Karate Kid, which I’d never seen before sadly, but was still entertained by the cheesiness…Sucker Punch, which was AWESOME!!!… and Mulan II, which was Disney trying too hard… That’s about it…

I’ve got to see a great deal of talent from my awesomely amazing church group, XA, who had a great open mike night. Hats off to the “original Fergie-ferg”, that guy Bryce Brothers, Tressa, Amanda, Britani and everyone else. They were all so talented. I’m excited that I managed to get video and audio from all the best stuff!! I think you all are amazing and I can’t wait to see you all again soon.

So while I sit here in this nice, nearly empty dorm room, waiting another two hours for my sister to arrive to help pack up and leave my first year of college, I can’t help but feel really sad, and am bracing myself for a ton of stress. It was bad enough fighting and having a mental breakdown after a fight with my father, but I think it hurt most because it was over my coming home and seeing everyone for the first time in several months. Oh well, I’ll see what God has in store for me.

So, until next I write, Snape_Redeemed out.